I Was This Before You Were At All
by theswisswereright
Summary: I'm stupid. I don't know anything, and I'm so, so stupid. Did I think that because he didn't mean it, nature couldn't take its course? Lavi/Lena. Strong T, so thou art warned.


**WARNING. This fic contains a touchy political/moral issue. I am not taking a side, only telling a story. Please do not read if you are sensitive or extremely Christian, as you will be offended. I can't say what it is, or I'll wreck the story.**

**Thanks, and enjoy!**

**4/27/10**

Stupid.

I am so, so stupid. Did I think that because he never meant it, this couldn't happen? Did I think that because he never loved me, nature wouldn't take its course?

I'm two weeks late today. I didn't think much about it because I've always been weird when it came to my cycle, but two weeks is too much to ignore. Especially now that I have a reason to be scared.

I'll wait three more days. Then I think I'll buy a test.

**4/30/10**

Fuck.

I don't normally say things like that, but I don't know what else I can say.

I went to CVS and bought a pregnancy test today. I took it right there in the bathroom. It came out positive. All I could say was "SHIT!" Over and over, until the woman working the counter came in and told me I'd have to leave. I guess I looked like some little whore, getting mad because they had to pay for another abortion.

Abortion.

Oh, God. I hadn't even thought about that yet.

I'm going to go to another store and buy a few more tests. Just in case.

**Later**

Well, it's official. I'm pregnant. How did I end up in this situation? No, what I'm really doing is trying to pretend it's not happening.

I'm pregnant.

I'm pregnant.

I, Lenalee Lee, am pregnant.

I can't be more than six weeks along. I was a virgin not so long ago.

I am the DUMBEST girl I've ever heard of. Why didn't I think about condoms, or pills, or SOMETHING? He said he'd never hurt me, that he couldn't date me, but that he'd always take care of me.

He kissed me, the first time. I hear stories from other girls where the guy doesn't even look at them.

How many times has it been since then? Three? Four?

I don't know. What am I supposed to do about this? What am I supposed to tell Lavi?

**5/2/10**

I haven't talked to him since I found out. It's not like we're dating, but I'm surprised he hasn't tried to say something. I don't want to shut him out, but I don't know what to say.

**5/3/10**

I went on the Planned Parenthood web site today, to see what I can do. I can't keep it. I'm in high school, I'm not ready to be a mother. I thought about adoption, but it makes me sick to have a child that even I don't want. No one deserves to be unwanted.

I think I'm going to have an abortion, then.

I found out that where I live now, I don't need anyone with me. I'm seventeen, so I can go alone. Someone has to pick me up, though, and I don't know who to ask.

Stupid, stupid me. When I look back on the last few entries, all I can see are the words 'I don't know.' Is there anything I do know?

I need to get six hundred dollars before next Saturday. That's when I made the appointment for. Saturday, ten a.m., and all this will be…not behind me, but farther away.

**5/4/10**

I have three hundred dollars. That's not enough, not even close. I can't ask my brother, he'd go insane. I don't have parents to ask. I can only think of one way that can get me out of this.

I'll have to ask Lavi.

Fuck.

**5/5/10**

I talked to him today. It went something like this.

"_Lavi, I need to talk to you." He put on that stupid class clown act, like nothing mattered._

"_Whatever the lady wants." And he waggled his goddamn eyebrows at me._

"_This is serious. Can we talk somewhere private?" His friends all laughed, like I'd asked him to screw me in a broom closet. But he got up and walked outside with me._

"_Look, there isn't an easy way to tell you this. I'm pregnant."_

_His face fell, and then he smiled this horrible smile, like he was killing someone and liking it. "Wait, is it mine?"_

"_I haven't been with anyone else!"_

"_So you need some money?"_

"_I need three hundred dollars. I'm not keeping it." He didn't say anything to that, he just looked at the ground._

"_You're positive it's mine?"_

"_Yes."_

"…_I'll get you the cash. I don't know how, but I'll get it to you."_

"_Thanks, then." I started walking away, but apparently he wasn't finished._

"_And Lenalee?"_

"_What?"_

"…_take care of yourself."_

"_Yeah, you too."_

So when I got home and got the mail, there was an envelope with six fifty-dollar bills inside. There wasn't a message or anything, just plain white manila and green, stiff cash.

There's that done. I didn't know how much this would hurt.

**5/7/10**

The appointment is tomorrow. I still didn't have a ride, so I asked my neighbor for one. We were good friends when we were younger, but then he went to a Catholic school for junior high, and we never saw each other anymore. His name's Allen, and he promised he'd be there, so I'm set. I gave him the address and time, but I didn't tell him why. I figure either he'll figure it out, or he won't. Either way, it doesn't matter.

Tomorrow, I'm getting rid of it. This little thing that me and Lavi made.

I'm so, so stupid. I think I love him. Maybe it's the…baby? Is it a baby yet? Maybe that's why I want him to hug me.

I mean, I knew he didn't love me when I first slept with him. It was at a party, and I was watching him the entire night. He was drunk, and I was lonely and wishing I were drunk. He came over to me and leaned on me. His breath smelled like alcohol, and later, I thought that he tasted like it.

It happened in his car, the backseat. Yes, it hurt like hell. I wasn't thinking, and he wasn't thinking, and he remembered my name when he came.

I could have cried at that.

He called me every once in a while, asked me to come over. I sneaked out, walked the mile to his place, and we had sex again. He always remembered my name.

I don't know if he ever thought of me any other time. I don't know why I even went. It's winter, it was freezing outside.

I felt special. He was so popular, so important. I was too, for a second.

**5/8/10**

Today's the day.

I'm writing this before my appointment. I didn't sleep last night, and it's about nine in the morning. I'm going to walk there, and Allen's coming to pick me up. It's set. I don't know what I'm going into really, but it's okay. I think that's the last time for a while that I'll write "I don't know."

**Later**

So it's over.

I'd almost say I walked slow on purpose, kicking my furry boots through the slush until my toes were all wet. But no matter how slow I walked, it seemed that time passed at the normal rate. And I got there before ten o'clock. So I had to wait for thirty minutes, reading _Parent_ magazine, looking at glossy pictures of smiling babies, black, white, Asian, toddlers in their overalls, and this one baby food ad with a redheaded kid. I swear I saw green eyes flashing at me, and I almost walked out of the clinic and ran home. But then the receptionist called my name, and I dropped the magazine like it was a rabid dog.

I took off my clothes and put on their stupid green paper dress, then laid down on the table.

A nurse came in, a black woman wearing lavender-colored scrubs. Her hair was in braids, pulled back into a ponytail. I remember because that was what I looked at while they did what they had to do. I watched her braids swing, the matching lavender beads at their ends clicking against one another. I kept staring, almost hypnotized by their motion, until I felt the pain.

They'd asked me if I wanted to know what was happening. I told them no. I wished I had said yes.

It felt like cramps at first, little pinching claws in my stomach. Then it became so much worse. I didn't have a hand to hold. I didn't have anything to think of. I thought of the smiling red-haired baby, and how Lavi always said my name, and how the machine sounded like a vacuum. Maybe it would take my soul too, and be done with it.

I shook hard, hard like I was dying, as I tried to walk out. Allen got out of his car and held me up, helping me into the passenger seat. He didn't say anything, just fiddles with the radio and stared at me.

I dug my fingers into the soft upholstery of the chair and looked at my ruined boots.

"Lena?"

I didn't say anything.

"I know we don't talk anymore, but if you need someone…well, I've always been right next door."

I don't remember if I said thank you. I remember falling asleep, not even taking a shower to wash away the shame.

It's seven at night now.

I feel so alone.

I still don't know anything.

I am so stupid.

**5/9/10**

Lavi called me today. I just got off the phone with him.

He asked me if I was okay, if everything was 'taken care of.'

I told him I didn't know.

If he meant the baby, then I guess so. But who's taking care of me?

My stomach still hurts. I hung up with him without saying goodbye.

I hate this. I hate me.

All I thought when it was over was, There's that done.

**5/10/10**

I didn't go to school. I told my brother I was sick, and he went off to work. He didn't even ask me what was wrong. He trusts me too much.

I stayed at home in a big t-shirt eating cereal and watching _Oprah_. She seemed to understand everything everyone said. Had she been here?

I thought I'd feel better when this was over. Maybe it takes a while.

I thought that I'd feel normal once this was over. I was so wrong. I feel alone. I tried to pull up my veins today, looking for whatever was missing. All I did was mess up my ankle.

I was here before all of this, before the baby. So why am I so alone when it's gone?

**Much later**

It's like one in the morning. Lavi called me again, and asked me if I could come over. Then he took it back all of a sudden, and said he'd come to me.

I'm not having sex with him again.

I'm not that stupid.

**5/11/10**

He got here at one-thirty and tapped on my window. I let him in, and he looked around the room. It didn't look good. The box of Lucky Charms was open on my desk, I hadn't taken a shower since…**it** happened, and I was wearing nothing other than a giant shirt of Komui's, panties, and socks. I don't know why I didn't put on more clothes. Maybe I just didn't care.

He went off on this monologue about popularity, and gossip, and I didn't listen to a word of it. Until he said "I want you."

I looked at him hard, scrutinizing, trying to understand what he meant. He didn't look like he wanted to do anything sexual. He just stood there with his hands behind his back and scuffed his foot on my carpet. "What?"

"Not…not like that. I want you, like, to be with. To be with me. But not in a sex way, just kind of…I'm not explaining this very well."

I didn't say anything.

"I…like you. You're pretty and smart and strong and you had to do that horrible thing…and I wasn't even there with you. Can you forgive me for that?"

I swore my eyes were melting, I was crying so hard. I screamed at him, screamed so loud I don't know how Brother didn't wake up, "You want me to forgive you? What happened to taking care of me? I don't know what I am anymore! I don't know what else that machine took away! I don't know anything! I can't even forgive myself!" I was on the floor, knees burning against the carpet, and then he was there with me, hanging on to me like I was going to float away.

"Oh, Lena…I'm so sorry…I should have been there…I should have told you before…You never had to get rid of it. I would have taken care of both of you. I don't know how, but I would have. I'm sorry. I'm sorry…" I felt something wet on the side of my neck, and I knew he was crying, too.

"So what do you want now, Lavi?" My voice sounded dull and lifeless, as though all my emotion had been spent in that last outburst.

"I want to be with you. Like, a boyfriend. In public, for real." He sniffled, then pulled away and looked at me. I could see the hope in his eyes so plainly.

"Okay."

And that was all. He left, but not before taking a picture for my phone and kissing me. It was nice, and that was it. No sex. All clothes on. And he smiled anyway.

It's going to take forever to feel like I am supposed to be only one person again.

I almost wish I hadn't done it.

But maybe, just maybe, it'll be okay. Maybe I'll learn to love someone else outside of this body, and when that's done, I can try again.

I've got Lavi, now. I've got Allen, and I've got myself.

Maybe soon, there will be more things I know than things I don't.

**888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888**

**I don't know why I'm liking Lavi/Lena all of a sudden. I don't like this story as much, but it came out, so I'm posting. **

**I am thinking about writing Lavi's POV, and telling his side of the story. So, probably not complete, but I'm putting it as.**

**I feel like the end was rushed, too…**

**Comments?**

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**Swiss**


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